Mayor Maribeth Cosgrove held a press conference this morning to publicly express the city’s willingness to accept detainees from Guantanamo Bay into our prison system, making us the first city in the U.S. to do so.
Ever since President Obama signed an executive order to close Guantanamo Bay, a holding facility for so-called “enemy combatants,” the administration has had difficulty finding anyone, foreign or domestic, willing to take on the prisoners.
Mayor Cosgrove, apparently, heard opportunity knocking.
“Now is the time for all of us in the city to take ownership of our new president’s call for a new Era of Responsibility,” declared Mayor Cosgrove. “Difficult decisions and sacrifices must be made, and I am proud to say that our city is unafraid to make them.”
The mayor’s announcement came as a shock to Earl Stiner, warden of the Ostahanoc River Maximum Security Prison. Stiner claims that neither the mayor nor any of her staff consulted with him prior to the declaration, in spite of the fact that his prison was specifically named as one willing to take on Gitmo detainees. However, after some consideration, Stiner agrees he is up to the challenge.
“For over 50 years now the ORMSP has held some of the meanest sons-of-bitches in the region. Serial killers, rapists, drug lords, and even a few honest-to-God cannibals have been routinely imprisoned here. Not a one of them ever set foot outside these walls until they were either parolled, or wheeled out stone-cold on a gurney. I don’t know about you, but I’d feel 100% better knowing those terrorists were in the competent hands of hard working Americans under my personal watch, than if they were getting the kiddie-glove treatment in some damned Swiss prison.”
A tough yet practical man who loves to talk to the media as much as they do to him, Stiner was willing to express some concerns regarding the influence that the Gitmo detainees might have on his prison’s thriving Muslim population.
“Yeah, that’s something of a powder keg situation, isn’t it?” Stiner admitted to FOX 17. “Not to name names, but these terrorists might be seen as heroes to some of the fellas we have locked up here.” After a moment’s pause, Stiner added, “I suppose we’ll have to keep them protected from the Aryan and Jew gangs, too… I’m sure we’ll think of something.”
In the meantime, Stiner, like the rest of us, is holding his breath in anticipation of the Obama administration’s response to Mayor Cosgrove’s unprecedented offer.
– Ray Ingraham