9:42PM, November 4, 2008
Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, Bill â€“ hey, Bill.
Iâ€™ve been asked, in light of the fact that I appear to have lost the race to become mayor of our fair city, to make a concession speech. This I am all to happy to do, as I have no recollection of having filed papers to run for mayor, and have done my best over the past few months not to campaign in any way whatsoever.
However, my aides tell me that I have somehow managed to accumulate 592 votes [He ended up with 3,025- Ed.], and I feel that I should thank all of you who showed me such confidence personally, as well as ask you why you would do such a thing. I highly enjoyed my time as chairman of the Fifth Wardâ€™s Democratic organization, a position I have long attributed to poorly informed voters and the inability of former chairman Robert Hesselman to hold his liquor, but I have neither sought higher office, nor been able to discern how I became a candidate for same.
I realize that Mayor Wilders has made a poor showing of it lately, a fact he seeks to attribute to me when he makes dark references to â€œoutsidersâ€ who seek to â€œdisruptively divide the loyalties of our citizensâ€. It is hard to know how to respond to this, since I have spent the entire period of my candidacy watching Korean monster movies and drinking martinis at Lonegalâ€™s Tavern. I suppose some people might resent Mayor Wilderâ€™s wild accusations, but I always thought he was an asshole, so itâ€™s not like I think any less of him.
While it is, on a certain level, disappointing to know that the city will be denied my leadership for the nextâ€¦hey, Bill, how long does the mayor serve here? Itâ€™s five years, right? Two? Two years? That doesnâ€™t sound right. It is right? Okay, two years. [It is four- Ed.] What was I saying? Okay. Anyway, itâ€™s probably for the best, as I was only vaguely aware that I was running in the first place, and had made no actual plans concerning what to do if elected beyond throwing a big party, which, as you can see, I am doing anyway, despite having lost.
Iâ€™d like to thank Tony Bellarosa at the Broadsider both for endorsing my campaign and making me aware of its existence; Commissioner Dugan for spelling my name correctly on the ballot; and Trudy Haines at Lonegalâ€™s for making great martinis. I would also like to add that while she has turned me down for a date several times before, I would like her to reconsider in light of the fact that nearly 600 people think I am somehow qualified to run a city.
Congratulations to our next mayor, whoever they are. Take it easy, folks, but take it.
– Leonard Pierce