Category — Ray Ingraham

This recession has meant hard times and few customers for most local businesses, but 23 miles south of the city, in nearby Lakeview Falls, at least one retailer is doing well. Slaven’s Outdoor World has been filled to capacity with city residents looking to purchase firearms. In fact, according to owner Lou Slaven, sales are nearly triple what they were at this time last year.

We conducted an anonymous and informal survey of nearly 200 city-dwelling Big Lou’s customers over the weekend of November 7, to try and discover what is behind the sudden gun-buying frenzy.

Question 1: Why are you buying a firearm today?

37.6% - Afraid Washington Democrats will soon make buying guns illegal
32.2% - Home/self defense
18.0% - Forthcoming hunting season
10.2% - Expanding collection
1.2% - Going to shoot self/spouse/major political figure (probably
joking)
0.6% - Going to shoot self/spouse/minor local TV personality (probably
not joking)
0.2% - “Bitter, and need something to cling to” (sarcastically)

Question 2: What sort of firearm did you purchase today?

40.0% - Semi-automatic handgun, expanded magazine
27.2% - Fully automatic firearm, expanded magazine
17.8% - Standard semi-automatic handgun
12.2% - Standard rifle/shotgun
2.4% - None, failed background check
0.4% - Crossbow

Question 3: Were you aware that owning a fully automatic weapon or a firearm with an expanded magazine is already illegal within city limits, according to an ordinance passed in 1996?

87.4% - “No”
12.6% - Yes

We questioned Lou Slaven whether he was aware that firearms at his store were being sold illegally to city residents.

“Well, naturally there’s going to be a few bad apples that will lie on their applications, or provide false ID’s to circumvent the system,” said Slaven. “There’s only so much we can do to verify that information.”

A salesman for Big Lou’s Outdoor World, who spoke with us on condition of anonymity, tells a different story:

“We’ve got a lot of ways of bending the rules,” he confided during a cigarette break. “Shady legal loopholes, backroom deals, whatever. As long as those nut jobs up north want guns badly enough - and they have the money - Big Lou will find a way to put them in their hands.”
- Ray Ingraham

Did Sunday’s editorial cartoon by Journal-Clarion artist Jeff Norwood look familiar? Longtime readers may have noticed that it was identical to the cartoons printed in the paper on the week of Halloween in 2004 and 2000.

The cartoon features a trick-or-treater wearing a scary-looking hockey mask, standing on a porch holding a flashlight under his chin. He is attempting to frighten a nonplussed homeowner labeled with the word “VOTERS” on his backside. In the 3 times the cartoon has been used, only the name on the hockey mask and the word balloon over the trick-or-treater has been changed.

2008: Name on mask is “McCain.” Word balloon: “WooOOOoo…William Ayers…ACORN…Rev. Wright…Tax Increases on Small Businesses, my friends!”

2004: Name on mask is “W.” Word balloon: “WooOOOoo…Flip-flopper…Gay Marriages…Weak on Homeland Security!”

2000: Name on mask is “Bush II.” Word balloon: “WooOOOoo…Stem-cell research…A third term for Bill Clinton…Didn’t really invent the internet!”

The City Desk contacted Norwood for a comment on his work. We asked if readers would be justified in assuming that he had cut some corners out of laziness, or was guilty of perpetuating a hackneyed cliché.

“That assumption would be undermining the irony of my artistic vision,” said Norwood in a terse e-mail. “The real message is that every election season the voters are submitted to the same mud-slinging and same underhanded tactics. The more things change, the more they stay the same.”
- Ray Ingraham

—–

This weekend also featured several papers’ endorsements in national and local races. The breakdown:

:: Journal-Clarion: Presidental candidate Barack Obama (D), mayoral candidate (”with reservations”) Maribeth Cosgrove (R)

:: News: Presidential candidate Barack Obama (D), mayoral candidate (and imcumbent) Joseph Wilders (D)

:: The Evening Press: Presidential candidate John McCain (R), mayoral candidate (”with some reservations”) Maribeth Cosgrove (R)

:: The Broadsider: Presidential candidate Bob Barr (LP), mayoral candidate Leonard Pierce (Indep.)
- RJ White

Joseph Green, head of the regional division of the FBI’s Witness Protection Program, held a press conference yesterday to publicly apologize to the friends and family of Anthony “Tony” Battaglia, who was found murdered in his Roxboro home late last week, in the city’s first major “old-fashioned” gangland slaying in nine years.

Battaglia, formerly of New Jersey, was moved to our city for safety after testifying against a captain of the notorious Fortinero crime family. Agent Green and his colleagues placed Battaglia into an apartment on Klein Street, and provided him a new identity.

Unfortunately for Battaglia, the identity given to him was that of another marked man.

Police responded to a 911 call last Thursday and arrived at Battaglia’s domicile to find a gruesome tableau. Battaglia’s corpse lay spread-eagle upon a billiard table, with gold coins on his eyes, a deceased canary on his chest, his pinkies removed and shoved into his mouth and his feet spray-painted purple. In The Evening Press, accounts of the number of gunshot wounds Battaglia sustained ranged from “approximately twenty-four” to “too numerous to count.”

A rookie cop who was a first responder at the scene spoke with The City Desk on condition of anonymity, explaining, “I heard from some older guys on the force that the coins, the bird, the pinkies and the purple feet are all signature moves of the Cusumano mob. This guy was whacked vendetta-style. Just like something out of the Sopranos. It was awesome.”

Said Agent Green at the press conference, “Anthony Battaglia was given the identity of Edwin Terrazzi. Now, Edward Terrazi is another individual we are protecting. Terrazi is wanted by the Cusumano mafia not only for testifying against (boss Luigi) Cusumano, but also for allegedly sleeping with Cusumano’s wife and publicly slapping Cusumano’s nine-year-old daughter in the face. This, ahem, may explain the severity of the violence Mr. Battaglia suffered. So, it appears to be an awful case of mistaken… ah… identity.”

Agent Green continued, “It was a small clerical error by our department, coupled with an apparent foul up on the case of the assailants. The individuals responsible on our end have been suspended with pay indefinitely pending further investigation.”

Green ended the press conference by revealing that the FBI is also currently seeking the whereabouts of Edward Terrazi, because “We’re about 55 percent sure there may be a problem with the identity we gave Mr. Terrazi.”
- Ray Ingraham

As a public service, The City Desk periodically offers up selected items culled from local police reports. (Note: More violent, standard items do not frequently show up here, as they are covered in the local papers with regularity.)

10:30 pm
Corner of Merriman and 112th Streets: Two men, both wearing NFL jerseys, are arrested outside Stoats’ Sports Bar. Apparently, an animated debate whether to go RB-RB-QB or RB-QB-WR in the first three rounds of a fantasy football draft took an ugly turn, and the men began trading “sloppy, drunken blows.”

2:15 am
7000 block of Blick Avenue: Three men apprehended in the back of pizzeria with several bottles of accelerants, ignition devices, envelope containing $5000 in cash. Investigation pending.

6:00-6:30 am
Various locations, Downtown: Six vendors report that their newsstands were moved to different locations around the Downtown/Central Corridor area overnight, with substantial damage to each. Several witnesses reported a “tow-truck-like” vehicle dragging the structures through the streets.

11:20 am
1200 block of East Plumer Avenue: Officers respond to reports of a man exposing himself in the cereal aisle at the Safeway.

1:38 pm
800 block of Jarvis Street: Two men and a woman report their cars were apparently damaged by a hit and run driver in the parking lot of St. Norbert’s Church. Police are looking for a red 1974 Dodge Dart with the license plate LXI 483 in connection with the incident.

2:41 pm
Intersection of Hudson and Bergen Streets: Fire department reports theft of hydrant after routine hydrant check.

3:06 pm
200 Courthouse Square: City Commerce Director Robert Sheets reports the theft of a briefcase containing city documents after he had left it in a booth at Mo’s Luncheonette.

3:32 pm
300 block of Coffey Street, Emergency Services Unit officers rescue a male child who had his head suck in a fence.

4:18 pm
2300 block of Lorimer Street: Several complainants of tires being slashed on parked vehicles.

4:26 pm
East Patterson River at Granville Street: Aviation and Harbor units respond to reports of a dog in the river. The dog was rescued by Aviation Unit officer Alex Drake and is recovering at the ASPCA.

6:13 pm
500 block of Audubon Avenue: A man reports the theft of a stop sign. The Department of Transportation was contacted and replaced the sign.

7:43 pm
3000 block of Western Avenue: Officers respond to silent alarm at Bruno Hardware. A large cat was found suck in an air conditioning vent on the roof and rescued by ASPCA and Emergency Services Unit officers.

9:25 pm
15000 block of Lindenmeyr Boulevard: A guest at the Courtyard by Marriot at Rockstead International Airport reports the theft of a laptop computer, a pair of shoes, approximately $60 in cash and the keys to a rented 2007 Ford Focus. The 2007 Ford Focus was also stolen from the hotel’s parking lot.
- Ray Ingraham, Hoyt Schermerhorn, RJ White

When Mathias Barnaby, founder of the famous Cheese-Whip factory, opened his original North Falls dairy in in 1899, even he couldn’t have realized how much his enterprise would eventually mean to the city. Since Cheese-Whip’s invention and introduction in 1927, the semi-solid pasteurized cheese food product has been one of the major cornerstones of the city’s economy for over eighty years. More than 1000 of our citizens have Cheese Whip to thank for the financial well-being of their families and their neighborhoods.

But even more than a source of income, the factory has also been a source of pride. Signs of America’s second-best selling quasi-dairy topping are everywhere throughout the city, from the historic Cheese-Whip sign on the scoreboard at County Stadium, home of the Mighty Elms, to the old Barnaby Gardens roller coaster park on the outskirts of town, to the generous Mattieu Barnaby scholarship fund at Watson University and even to well-attended tours of the factory itself. More and more over the years, the identity of the city and one of its most well-known staples have become intertwined.

All this explains the outrage and devastation wrought in the hearts and minds of the populace when it was announced last week that the company’s board of directors agreed to sell the company to EuroForm, a global food products concern based in France.

Craig Leotardo, a capping supervisor, has worked in the Cheese-Whip factory for more than 25 years. “We all feel totally betrayed,” said Leotardo. “I’ve been breaking my back my whole career, knowing my effort was putting American dollars into American wallets. Now all my work will be putting francs or pounds or whatever into man purses, or whatever [expletive referring to homosexuals] thing Frenchies use to carry their Monopoly money around in.”

Leotardo’s sentiments are being echoed by many. Several people have even advocated a boycott, refusing to purchase Cheese-Whip or Cheese-Whip Lite. Among them is Abe Silvers, proprietor of a vendor cart specializing in Philadelphia-style cheesesteaks near Courthouse Square. “Just two weeks ago, there wasn’t a more American thing a person could do than slop a couple ladles of Cheese-Whip on a half-pound of boiled beef, and wolf it down between two slices of white bread,” lamented Silvers. “Now, as far as I’m concerned, that same act would make you a traitor. They may as well make Cheese-Whip green, because it’s gonna be cooked up by a bunch of frogs.”

“Actually,” said EuroForm VP of American Operations Rene Talbot, “Cheese-Whip will be made by the same Americans and in the same city as it always has been. We have no plans to lay anyone off. Anyone who boycotted our products would only be hurting themselves. The only changes we plan on making will be the introduction of gourmet flavors to the CW family, including Muenster, Brie de Meaux, and Camembert.”

“Feh,” barked Leotardo upon hearing this. “It ain’t about taste. It’s about tradition. You can’t trust a foreigner not to change stuff up.”

Leotardo may be right. Yesterday, in spite of EuroForm’s assurances that no Cheese-Whip employees would be laid off, one head did find its way to the chopping block. According to ESPN, Dick Judd, driver of the iconic bright yellow Cheese-Whip sponsored number 09 NASCAR vehicle, would be fired and replaced with Formula 1 circuit driver Emile Francour.

Like it or not, the EuroForm deal is here to stay. Says Talbot, “We are sure the citizens of this town, as well as the United States, will be open-minded and adaptive enough to handle the situation with the tolerance and moral fortitude that made America great.”
- Ray Ingraham

:: When the new Southside High School opens at the end of the month, it will be the first high school in the city built without an Olympic-sized swimming pool in 46 years, after the school district was finally able to override the requirements of Elanor Jean Hapsworth’s will.

:: Number of days (so far) this summer in which the temperature has reached 90 degrees or more: 23

:: Ecdysiast clubs out near the airport with aviation-themed names: The Landing Strip, Propellerz, The Cargo Hold, Lindy’s, Flyboys, The Landing Strip Too

:: More than 500 units of blood were transfused in the Nilsson-Presbyterian South Hospital emergency room during the month of July. Below is a percentage breakdown, listed by causes provided in accident/police reports:

32.5% Car/truck accidents
22.8% Miscellaneous/Not specified
14.4% Gunshot, stab, and/or assault wounds
10.7% ATV/motorcycle accidents
9.9% Aneurysm/hemorrhage
4.3% Firework mishaps
3.1% Injuries from falls (2.8% falls from objects, 0.3% crushed by falling objects)
1.6% Household/landscaping/construction equipment accident
0.5% Domestic animal attacks
0.2% Wild animal attacks

:: New events for Citywide Field Day XV, to be held at various elementary schools across the city during the second week in September: Four-square (individual and pairs), tennis-ball fling, spitting, and lava monster (exhibition)

:: Discontinued Field Day events: Pie eating, smear the queer, competitive see-saw, Marco Polo (may return pending review of last year’s near-drowning of two-time first-place ribbonee MacKenzie Sanders)

:: Official theme for Field Day XV: Positively Positive! (winning entry from third-graders at Whitehall Elementary)

:: Theme runners-up:First Is Best (Janos Elementary fifth-graders), Playing with Friends (Sternview Elementary second-graders), and Miley Cyrus Action Ninjas (fourth-fifth split at the Niamiah Holman Magnet School for Arts & Letters)
- Craig Gaines, Ray Ingraham, RJ White

Caption on the reverse of the photo: “March 13– Dr. Archibald Vinson, head of the City Health Department, administers a dosage of polio vaccine to his granddaughter, Becky Simmons, in her classroom at Calvin Coolidge Elementary School, as a demonstration of his confidence in Dr. Jonas Salk’s new creation. - Harlow Barton, Clarion-Standard”

In 1956, rumors and panic were running rampant amongst parents that the polio vaccine was responsible for a spate of cases of dropsy in area schoolchildren. The real cause was a small hepatitis outbreak, traced to a heavily-polluted pond in the city’s Roxboro section.
- RJ White, Ray Ingraham

In Local Clippings, we bring you what we feel are notable items from the city’s newspapers. Today, we bring you the special Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day column from longtime sportswriter Mike Harvey, in today’s Evening Press. NOTE: The inexplicable edit of a certain word toward the end isn’t ours, but that of the (rather conservative) paper.

Harvey on Sports: Barriers Still Unbroken

This city is well-known for producing successful professional athletes. Since 1950, we can claim 24 NFL players, 15 MLB players, 5 NBA players and even MLS superstar Quentin Clemens. Yet, somehow, in spite of the access to over a dozen ice rinks and the largest winter skate park in the tri-state area, not a single athlete who calls this town home has made it to the National Hockey League.

Only one player even made it close.

The Phenom [Read more →]

:: Today, at 5pm, the city’s Office for Information and Complaints hotline will shut down after 33 years of service. It will be subsumed into the city’s new 311 information service.

:: Number of staffers for the hotline in 1974: 1

:: Number today: 28

:: Number to be staffing the new 311 line: 35

:: Former Channel 6 local horror show host Count Film-Ula will no longer be participating in next season’s broadcast of the CBS reality-based game show, The Amazing Race, as previously announced. The Count’s scheduled Amazing Race partner, nephew and publicist, Anthony Reno, cited the Count’s declining health as the reason behind the pullout, although he added that his uncle continues to be very dedicated to his hobby of creating chainsaw sculptures.

:: Due to pressure from the AARP and local advocates for the aged, the Geriatriclympics has been canceled. The second annual event, which was to be held this weekend in the parking lot of the Sunny Tomorrows Assisted Living Center on 117th and Carrey St, had come under fire as not being particularly sensitive. Among last year’s events were a colostomy bag toss, a 100-meter shuffle and the Rascal demolition derby.

:: Funeral services will be held this weekend for Toto the Tiger, accidentally struck by a city bus last Tuesday. The husky male Royal Bengal tiger was born in captivity at the Chauncey Butler Circus in 2000, and has been a favorite of city residents since his debut later that year as “official spokes-tiger” for the year-round, indoor event. Famously tame, Toto was renowned for his live, unleashed appearances at charity events, children’s hospitals, retirement homes, animal shelters and swim meets. The Chauncey Butler Arena will remain open to all attendees beginning Friday night, and ending Sunday at five p.m. City bus driver Rolly Furst remains on paid suspension.

:: Veterans Day (November 11) falls on a Sunday this year, so the official municipal holiday will be Monday, November 12. The current contract for municipal employees does not include Veterans Day as a paid holiday, so city employees should show up for work as usual.
- David Andrews, Ray Ingraham, Jon Morris, RJ White

In July of 1992, brothers Dave and Teddy Brindamour of Roxboro were taken into custody by the FBI, having been charged with tax evasion and use of illegal currency.

A mundane and unimaginative “love coupon” gift for their girlfriends (e.g. Reedem this coupon for one “spicy” half hour massage) somehow developed into an elaborate, neighborhood-wide services for property and goods scheme (e.g. Redemption of one
“Brinda-buck” entitles bearer to 6.5 lbs. of beef and 2 liters of his/her choice of whiskey, provided the bearer agrees to perform 12 hours of “labor” [as defined in chapter 2 paragraph 13 of the Brindamour Code, which was distributed amongst those in the know]).

It is figured that more than 200 residents in the Roxboro area went at least 17 months without paying taxes, though, as authors of the project and printers of the bogus currency, it was the Brindamour Brothers who took the fall.

For their crimes, Dave and Teddy were each sentenced to 15-20 years in a federal penitentiary upstate. The diminutive Teddy perished after a mere 2 weeks of imprisonment after an undisclosed “accident” in the prison laundry. Dave is eligible for parole this November.

Federal authorities were able to confiscate and destroy about 98 percent of all the “Brinda-bucks” that were minted at a local Kinko’s. However, a few are rumored to still be in circulation or held by collectors, and the U.S. government has offered a cash reward of over $10,000 for any information leading to the arrest of any individuals attempting to spend them.
-Ray Ingraham