Category — Jonathan Morris

:: Republican City Councilwoman Maribeth Cosgrove currently has a nine point lead over Democratic incumbent Joseph Wilders in polls released this morning in advance of the mayoral election.

:: City Treasurer Donald Munro reports that Mayor Wilders has spent $1,192 of his own funds on clothing during his current re-election campaign. An additional $29.95 in campaign clothing expenses was reported, purchased by an anonymous donor.

:: If you think showing up to a Halloween party this year as “Joe the Plumber” will show off your creativity and topicality, perhaps you’d better think twice. Local costume shop Alter Ego reports the ubiquitous everyman has been so popular as a costume, that they’ve been forced to back order “prop plungers, bald caps and prosthetic ass-cracks.”

:: This October 29 marks the 120th anniversary of Industry Island, an experimental community founded by the virulently anti-Catholic Rev.Callum Fry in 1888. The original community was disbanded in 1891, but the many parks and trails crafted by the Reverend’s community remains a popular destination for day-trippers.

:: City Marathon winners (men’s open division) by nationality since 2001: 3 Kenyans, 2 Mexicans, 1 Ethiopian, 1 Eritrean and 1 U.S citizen (Orlando, FL)

:: City Symphony guest conductors by nationality since 2001: 3 Germans, 2 Austrians, 1 Finn, 1 Russian and 1 Chinese

:: City Founder’s Day Parade Grand Marshals by nationality since 2001: 7 U.S. Citizens and 1 Canadian (William Shatner)

:: Number of pancakes served per attendee on average at each Autumn’s “Dia De Los Pancakes” celebration to benefit Sauncha County’s Volunteer Fire Department #76: Eleven

:: Average number of attendees per year since 1981: 12,150

:: Quantity of batter required to make 133,650 pancakes: 1,044 gallons

:: Number of rental trucks required to carry supplies to the Sauncha County Volunteer Firefighter Open Air Kitchen: 14

:: Number of chefs required to produce 1,044 gallons of pancake batter: 70

:: Additional amount of batter used for “Pancake Batter Belly Flop” contest: 30

:: Number of inflatable kiddie pools used for “Pancake Batter Belly Flop” contest: 3

:: Total cash value of the ‘grand prize’ for best “Pancake Batter Belly Flop”: Seventeen Dollars

:: Dia De Los Pancakes will be held on Saturday, November 1, from 7am to 7pm at the Sauncha County Volunteer Fire Department Community Center.
- David Andrews, Ray Ingraham, Jon Morris, RJ White

:: The voter registration deadline for the November 4 election is October 6. Once again, your mayoral candidates-
- Democratic: Joseph Wilders, current mayor
- Republican: Maribeth Cosgrove, longtime City Councilwoman
- Libertarian: Lewis Armstrong, local businessman
- Green: Louis M. Armstrong, Watson University humanities professor
- Independent: Leonard Pierce, former Fifth Ward Democratic party leader
(Mr. Pierce is also a sometime contributor to The City Desk)

:: Mayor Wilders currently has a three point lead in the polls over Councilwoman Cosgrove.

:: Of more than five hundred city residents asked in an informal poll, only three percent indicated that they would be willing to vote for a transvestite presidential candidate.

:: Number of local businesses with “Hope” in their name: 7 (Including “Hope’s Erotic Bakery,” “Never Give Up (Hope)” resale and thrift store benfiting St.Katherine’s Childrens Hospital, and “Hope Floats” movie-themed ice cream parlor)

:: Number of local businesses with “Change” in their name: 43 (mostly car service stations ending with “-Change,” but also including “Loose Change” used clothing store and “Change-a-lot” diaper laundry service)

:: Number of local businesses with “Straight Talk” in their name: 0 (Although Community Radio 790 AM has a 15-minute niche news broadcast three times daily, entitled “Straight Talk: Bulletins from the Oppressed Heterosexual Minority”)

:: The City has joined with several others across the country in passing an ordinance to cease using bottled water at all official city meetings and events, in favor of tap water.

:: Selected words used to describe the City’s tap water in an independent study issued late last year: “Crisp,” “OKAY,” “Adequately free from bacterial infection”

:: Most desirable “mouth-feel” for modern candy, according to a fact-sheet provided by local confectionary manufacturer “Nature’s Harvest,” in descending order: Crispy, crunchy, smooth, creamy. The “least desirable” from the same list include: Wet, grimy, bristly, sad

:: Asked which video game characters they believe would make a good president, most of the 800 city residents polled responded either “Mario” or “Master Chief.”

:: On this day in 1971: 30,000 textbooks intended for seventh- and eighth-grade American History classes were recalled owing to one editor’s attempt to lighten the grim mood of a chapter on the Battle of Gettysburg by titling it “Civil War? More like an Uncivil War, If You Ask Me.”

:: A spokesperson strenuously (nervously?) assured the City’s media outlets that local Washington Mutual branches will be open for business today.
- Jon Morris, RJ White

An occasional survey of jobs both unusual and extraordinary, and the people who make them happen.

Juan Booth, 53, has the kind of job that makes your mouth water. For almost forty years, Booth has been Chief Flavor Technician at Jel-Sert, the company which produces the world-famous Summertime treat, Otter Pops.

“It’s exciting,” says the grandfatherly Booth, “And fun, but it is also hard work.”

Booth isn’t kidding, having spent twelve years and thousands of dollars in tuition to achieve his multiple degrees in Food Chemistry. “This job requires long hours, just like any job, but at least there’s plenty of Otter Pop breaks during the day!”

Booth began his career in 1973 with National Pax, the originators of the Otter Pop brand, before moving to Jel Sert when that company acquired the rights in 1996. “They added more fruit juice to the Otter Pop,” says Booth, “Which opens up a lot of doors for natural flavorings.”

What exciting new flavors of Otter Pop might be waiting in our grocers’ freezers down the line? “Well, I’ve almost perfected a peppermint pop, which ought to be extra refreshing on hot days. We’ve also been experimenting with flavors for a gourmet Otter Pop line aimed towards adults, with flavors like Pina Colada, Cosmopolitan and Mojito.” Booth beams as he describes the process of trial-and-error. “The Mojito has been a real conundrum for me – I like the authenticity of real mint leaves in the pop, but they have a tendency to complicate the mouth feel. People like their Otter Pops smooth and juicy!”

Despite Booth’s many flavor breakthroughs, Otter Pop’s six flavors have remained unchanged since the mid-1970s replacement of Rip Van Lemon with the fruit-punch flavored Pancho. How does he feel about so much of his closed door research going unseen – and untasted – by Otter Pop aficionados?

He responds with a warm, nostalgic smile. “When something is almost perfect,” he says, “Why rush to change it?”
- Jon Morris

An occasional survey of jobs both unusual and extraordinary, and the people who make them happen.

The national debate on gay marriage has challenged a number of institutions in 21st century America, from churches to municipal governments, from caterers to wedding photographers.

Also affected is the business of Lonnie “Luv” Campbell, a 33-year old “Pet Matchmaker” in the Southside’s Miller Well district.

“I think we all thrive on different kinds of love,” opines the blonde and blue-eyed Campbell , “Parental love, love of siblings, the love of close friends. But we all need romantic love in our lives, and our pets are no different.”

Since 2003, Campbell has played cupid for fidos and fifis around the city. Her services are available by private consultation, but she doesn’t limit herself to what she calls “just Doggy Dating.”

“I don’t discriminate,” adds Campbell, “I match cats, hamsters, canaries, iguanas, even spiders and snakes.” Campbell also doesn’t discriminate against a pet’s, er, preferences.

“When animals are kept as pets, their environment is shaped by the people around them. They eat human food, they keep human hours, they live in human homes and sometimes they learn to love the way that humans do.”

Campbell points to her own pair of matched tomcats, Fortinbras and Rimbaud, happily “married” since last year.

“My job is to help pet owners provide for all their pets’ needs, including their need to love and be loved,” explains Campbell as she gives us a tour of her photo wall, where literally dozens upon dozen of happy pet pictures describe a testament to her success in building lasting relationships in the tail-wagging set. “And if that means two cats or dogs of the same gender being matched, then who am I to say differently?”

Do only gay owners have gay pets? “Absolutely not,” Campbell laughs, “I have to admit, it’s made more than a few straight couples and small families uncomfortable at first to admit that their dog or cat might be gay, but I’ve found in the long run that it helps promote tolerance and understanding.”

“Not just among animals, among people too” she adds.

The cats are the only same-sex pairing among Campbell’s many pets, which include two “devoted” house rabbits, a pit bull terrier named “Malone” and his Lhasa Apso bride “Susan,” a quartet of polyamorous finches and a ferret named “Jingles” whom Campbell describes as “Still looking.”
- Jon Morris

An occasional survey of jobs both unusual and extraordinary, and the people who make them happen.

“What I do,” describes Jeremiah Zjensen, “In a lot of companies, is just a part of the overall picture. Advertising agencies mostly, but also marketing firms, communications directors, public relations. Everyone does it a little bit, it’s just another small cog in their machine.”

“But when you have the focus I do,” he continues, eyes blazing, “You take it to a whole other level.”

Jeremiah Zjensen is a self-described maverick, making a livelihood out of a facet of modern living most of us take for granted. He describes his role as Assertive Communications Expert – that’s A.C.E., according to his business card – but he explains his job to the man on the street as “Acronymizing.”

From the Bleeker Street office which houses the headquarters of the one-man operation (A Single Operator Leveraged Opportunity), Jensen has masterminded some of the most memorable acronyms to hit the city in the last eighteen months. He brainstormed the Humane Society’s P.O.O.C.H. (Pledge Our Obligation to Canine Health) Program, the Jingo Foods V.E.G. (Value, Economy, Good food) pledge, and the mayor’s own C.O.M.B. (Consolidate Our Municipal Bylaws) initiative.

Did he also dream up the imaginative tagline for the mayor’s program; “Let’s C.O.M.B. these silly laws out of our hair”?

“No, that came from the mayor’s marketing director,” replies Jensen “My focus is laser-tight on the acronyms themselves.”

“It requires utter dedication. It’s an artform,” says Jensen, “If I distracted myself with catchphrases, taglines and mottos, I’d lose my E.D.G.E.”

“That’s Exceptional Drive Generating Energy” he adds, beaming.
- Jon Morris

The city council has reinstated a previously-repealed 1946 ordinance [seventh item] banning from city limits any and all stand-alone arcade devices and games. This measure has been taken in response to a wave of rigged slot machines appearing in the wake of the city council’s late April decision.

The Video Game Museum at Mabel Tripp Gardens had placed several of its vintage games – including Stryder, Centipede and Tron – in a special public play area to celebrate the repeal of the ordinance. The exhibits are expected to be returned to their places behind display glass by 4 pm this afternoon.
- Jon Morris

Related: The Return of the One-Armed Bandits

The repeal two weeks ago [seventh item] of a 1946 city ordinance against stand-alone arcade games may be contributing to the largest incidence of rigged slot-machine syndicates operating within the city limits since 1945, according to police.

The abandoned ordinance – repealed two weeks ago as part of Mayor Wilders’ C.O.M.B. initiative [first item] – is being described by a police spokesperson as “an unmitigated hobbling of our ability to manage law enforcement on any level.”

As many as seventeen organized criminal bodies may be involved in the placement of rigged slot machines within city limits, focusing primarily on convenience stores, bodegas, bars, middle school cafeterias and the Boys & Girls Club at NE Riesling Avenue and Cutter Street.
- Jon Morris

Related: Breaking: Former Arcade Owner Suing City Over 1981 Arrest

Daniel D. Merton of the South Pepper Street neighborhood filed suit late yesterday against the City Council, municipal government, Mayor Wilders, four former city council members and two retired police officers over a 1981 arrest and conviction under the recently-repealed city ordinance banning the presence of stand-alone gaming devices within city limits.

The measure – repealed last week by the current city council – was instituted in 1946 with the intention of prohibiting the use of pinball machines in casual gambling, and unintentionally banned cabinet-style video games within city limits. Although 230 video game arcades operated during the peak of the fad in 1984, very few were charged under the ordinance.

Merton, then owner of Space Shuttle Games on NE Attleboro Ave, was charged the maximum fine under the ordinance during a uniformed police officer’s response to a call regarding (according to the police report) “unruly youths kicking a Donkey Kong machine.”

He is seeking damages for lost revenue (a one-time fine of $75 per machine, plus 27 years’ interest), emotional distress, and violation of civil liberties. A judge is expected to rule on the suit’s validity early next week.
- Jon Morris

:: Number of consecutive weeks the Griswold Arthouse has featured Jaws as its “Friday Midnight Movie”: 1,664

:: Number of “Jaws Burger” fried fish sandwiches sold at the adjacent President Heights Cafe’ during in that time: 41,679

:: Percentage sold between the hours of 2 am and 5 am Saturday morning: 83

:: Number of stars awarded the President Heights Cafe’ by irascible Alternative Weekly food critic Gram Sanders: one-half

:: To the Jaws Burger fried fish sandwich specifically: zero

:: The annual Founder’s Day Film Festival (FFF) will be held from August 8 – 11 this summer, with the official celebration of Founder’s Day to occur on Monday, August 11. This will also, as usual, be a paid holiday for all city employees. The theme for this year’s festival is the highly appropriate ‘Summer in the City,’ and the Monday afternoon Founder’s Day matinee will be Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing. The comprehensive FFF schedule will be released on Friday, June 6.

:: Today, the City Council is scheduled to repeal a 1946 ordinance which banned from city limits any and all stand-alone arcade devices and games. The measure was intended to curb the use of pinball machines in casual gambling, but had the unintended effect many years later of making it illegal to own or operate any cabinet-style video game within city limits (although that aspect of the law was rarely observed and even more rarely enforced, with the city boasting 230 video game arcades during the peak of the fad in 1984).

The Video Game Museum at Mabel Tripp Gardens will be celebrating the occasion by making available for play many of their exhibited games, including Galaga, Defender and Altered Beast.
- David Andrews, Shek Baker, Jon Morris

:: Mayor Wilders’ recent initiative to “clean up” the city’s catalog of archaic, outdated, obtuse or redundant ordinances begins in earnest next Wednesday when he plans to unveil his self-authored C.O.M.B. (Consolidate Our Municipal Bylaws) Initiative. Among the ordinances targeted by the measure are a 1988 ban on prostitution services for pets, last year’s activist “pro-smoking” initiative, and a late 17th-century punishment which calls for “stabbing centrely amidst the fleshie organs” for anyone caught “dealyng with goods of a gypsie nature.”

:: In addition to police officers, emergency response and medical personnel, it is technically illegal in the city to pose as a practitioner of the following professions: Plumber, baker, cobbler, milliner, grocer, asphalt-mixer.

:: Number of local coyote attacks sparking the “Coyotes: This Summer’s Sharks?” three-day investigative series on Channel 8’s newscast next week: 0

:: The Woodbridge District of the city boasts more hair salons, Thai restaurants and British import shops than any other district in the city (124, 70 and 17 respectively).

:: Tourism in the city is down 15% over the same period last year. The Valley Regional Tourism Bureau attributes the decline to budget cuts, leading to a lack of presence for the city in print and internet advertising over the past few months.

:: Ten most common words found in print advertisements in local publications during March 2008:
1. Sale
2. Free
3. And
4. Discount
5. The
6. P.M.
7. A.M.
8. Pork
9. Credit
10. Rebate

:: The Interactive Orwell exhibit celebrates its fifteenth season this year at Agnew Community College’s Wonsley Blvd. campus. Popular with young children and preteens, the “Living Or-world” features an “Animal Farm Petting Zoo”, the “Oceanian Tele-Screen Playground” and “Ministry of Truth Big Brother Relay Race”. This weekend - June 25th, Orwell’s birthday. As always, with purchase of one child ticket, big brothers get in free.
- David Andrews, Shek Baker, Jon Morris, RJ White