Category — Craig Gaines

A judge has ended an experimental, controversial program to promote fitness among parking violators — but not before a determined Wilders administration compelled the city’s most chronic scofflaws to compete in what may be the grimmest marathon anywhere.

The past few days have seen frantic races to the finish, figurative and literal, as city attorneys stalled a lawsuit to halt the Tickets to Health initiative long enough to hold the first and only Triple Offenders Marathon. The lawyers got what they wanted, successfully delaying Judge Horace Table’s ruling until Monday morning — mere hours after the marathon’s finish.

Table ruled the Tickets to Health program was “in violation of the City Charter, in violation of the Constitution and in violation of any standard of human decency.”

A year and a half ago, local gymnasium magnate Carolanne Tapscott approached Mayor Wilders with an idea intended to decrease widespread anger at the city’s aggressive parking enforcement and increase physical activity among residents. After a series of private discussions and one poorly attended public hearing, the city unveiled Tickets to Health to a confused, sedentary population.

The program worked like this: a resident’s first parking ticket would result in a mandatory 25-minute walk around the Gen. Omar Bradley Memorial Track at Baxter Park, a second would require participation in a stair climb up the 30-story Tyler Tower and the penalty for a third would be training and competition in what was to be the annual Triple Offenders Marathon.

The marathon, held Sunday morning, will go down as one of the city’s least popular instances of mandatory mass activity. The runners, many of whom appeared unfit to run around the block, let alone 26.2 miles, were escorted to the starting line by city police officers. Competitors carried computer chips to record their times — and tracking devices to ensure they didn’t end the race early. The route wasn’t populated by the usual throngs of cheering supporters and volunteers with bottled water, but by city employees who called out directions like “Please keep running” and “Don’t forget to breathe.”

One of the greater ironies of Tickets to Health and the lawsuit that ended it is that the program was probably short-lived anyway. Judging from the state of the runners, none of them would ever again commit a parking violation and subject themselves to such an ordeal.

Runner Marion Prentiss, an account executive for a local insurance company, hadn’t performed any rigorous exercise since gym class during her junior year of high school — 17 years ago. At mile 14, Prentiss staggered over to a city employee and panted, “Please, this is killing me. I swear to God I’ll never park too close to a fire hydrant ever again.”

The employee handed Prentiss a complaint form before waving her on.

It was just such a scenario that Judge Table wanted to prevent — and one that Tapscott wanted to make a regular part of city life.

In his carefully worded ruling, Table said under certain circumstances the city has the right to compel people to participate in exercise against their will — but not because of parking violations. “Should the city see fit to form a militia, draft residents into a dangerously understaffed police department [as has happened before] or form a civilian works-progress apparatus in the event of natural disaster or economic depression, then mandatory mass physical performance would be protected and encouraged by the City Charter. But a parking infraction or multiple parking infractions do not rise to the Charter-defined standard of ‘city security, economic well-being, or quality of life.’ ”

But Carolanne Tapscott, who famously started her gymnasium empire out of a converted back-alley ballet studio, remains unbowed. Early in her discussions with the Mayor’s office about Tickets to Health, someone floated the idea of making the program optional rather than mandatory. Tapscott fiercely opposed the idea, and it never got any traction. She still believes making the initiative mandatory was necessary.

“Doing anything else would send the wrong message,” she told The City Desk. “This ruling tells the people of this city it’s OK to commit multiple parking infractions and it’s OK to have a high BMI. In my book, neither is OK.”

Tapscott said the city wouldn’t appeal the ruling, but hinted her fight wasn’t over. “Maybe our mistake was in picking too petty of a crime,” she said. “Maybe people wouldn’t be so sympathetic if we targeted more serious criminals, like pedophiles or dead-beat dads.”
- Craig Gaines

:: When the new Southside High School opens at the end of the month, it will be the first high school in the city built without an Olympic-sized swimming pool in 46 years, after the school district was finally able to override the requirements of Elanor Jean Hapsworth’s will.

:: Number of days (so far) this summer in which the temperature has reached 90 degrees or more: 23

:: Ecdysiast clubs out near the airport with aviation-themed names: The Landing Strip, Propellerz, The Cargo Hold, Lindy’s, Flyboys, The Landing Strip Too

:: More than 500 units of blood were transfused in the Nilsson-Presbyterian South Hospital emergency room during the month of July. Below is a percentage breakdown, listed by causes provided in accident/police reports:

32.5% Car/truck accidents
22.8% Miscellaneous/Not specified
14.4% Gunshot, stab, and/or assault wounds
10.7% ATV/motorcycle accidents
9.9% Aneurysm/hemorrhage
4.3% Firework mishaps
3.1% Injuries from falls (2.8% falls from objects, 0.3% crushed by falling objects)
1.6% Household/landscaping/construction equipment accident
0.5% Domestic animal attacks
0.2% Wild animal attacks

:: New events for Citywide Field Day XV, to be held at various elementary schools across the city during the second week in September: Four-square (individual and pairs), tennis-ball fling, spitting, and lava monster (exhibition)

:: Discontinued Field Day events: Pie eating, smear the queer, competitive see-saw, Marco Polo (may return pending review of last year’s near-drowning of two-time first-place ribbonee MacKenzie Sanders)

:: Official theme for Field Day XV: Positively Positive! (winning entry from third-graders at Whitehall Elementary)

:: Theme runners-up:First Is Best (Janos Elementary fifth-graders), Playing with Friends (Sternview Elementary second-graders), and Miley Cyrus Action Ninjas (fourth-fifth split at the Niamiah Holman Magnet School for Arts & Letters)
- Craig Gaines, Ray Ingraham, RJ White

As a public service, The City Desk periodically offers up selected items culled from local police reports. (Note: More violent, standard items do not frequently show up here, as they are covered in the local papers with regularity.)

7:23 am
3700 block of Pennsylvania Avenue: A group of students are arrested after carrying Davidson High School principal Stephanie Allen’s 2007 Mini Cooper into the school’s second-floor cafeteria. The students, who are all underage, are charged with grand theft auto, operating a motor vehicle without a license, disorderly conduct, local and state hazardous-materials infractions, vandalism, property destruction and a parking violation.

9:02 am
1700 block of Marway Lane: Tandem bicycle reported stolen.

9:27 pm
2000 block of Dunn Avenue: Gupta’s Stop ‘n’ Pop calls in a shoplifting incident. When police arrive, suspect claims that Gupta offers free in-store refills on fountain drinks. Mr. Gupta explains that the policy was never meant to be offered in perpetuity, and the suspect, who has been continually refilling his 44-oz. Mountain Dew since 1:30 PM the previous day, is violating the spirit of the contract. No charges are filed, but suspect is politely asked to leave.

12:52 pm
2100 block of Villers Street: A 22-year-old suspect is taken into custody after having waved a firearm in a threatening manner on the public thoroughfare. He is quickly released, however, when it is discovered that the gun is carved out of a potato.

1:30 pm
2100 block of Villers Street: The 22-year-old suspect is rearrested when dispatcher informs officers of an extant law prohibiting the duplication of illegal weapons out of vegetables.

5:12 pm
6800 block Saint Clair Avenue: A woman reports that her 1963 Studebaker Lark has been stolen.

8:12 pm
4700 block of Humber Avenue: A man reports that three chairs and a pitcher of lemonade were stolen from his front porch.

9:15 pm
200 block of Nebraska Avenue, A woman reports that someone has placed honey in the lock of her front door.

10:22 pm
1400 block of Pacific Street: A man reports that someone has trimmed his bushes without authorization.

11:03 pm
1300 block of Newbury Street: A woman reports the loss of her cell phone in a taxi.

11:33 pm
John Paul Jones Park: Officers recover a 1963 Studebaker Lark from the playground. Police report that it was the same vehicle reported missing earlier.

3:32 pm
300 block of Coffey Street, Emergency Services Unit officers rescue a male child who had his head stuck in a fence.
- Craig Gaines, Leonard Pierce, Hoyt Schermerhorn

A gathering of slapstick aficionados turned violent Saturday, requiring dozens of city police bearing shields and batons to quell the riot. It was the first conflict in the 13-year history of the Three Stooges Enthusiasts and Impersonators Annual Convention, held every year at the Westport Heights Sheraton & Conference Center.

The yearly event is part reunion, part workshop for the small but intense group of people from across the country who “want to live the Stooge way the right way,” as the convention’s mission statement says. “This is the worst thing to happen since the 2005 protests,” said convention founder Howard Dewey, referring to a handful disruptive picketers that year, angry over the exclusion of devotees to Stooge replacements Shemp and Curly Joe.

The fracas broke out during a class on how to successfully block an attempted double eye poke. Instructor Bob Silver demonstrated the proper technique — it entails holding your hand at a perfect 90 degree angle from your face — and then paired off participants to practice the move. A fight started between attendee Lewis Oster, a member of the Moe group, and Curly group member Morris Heinz, who claimed later that Oster poked too hard and actually gouged both his eyes.

According to convention tradition, an attendee is supposed to utter the safety phrase “Woo-woo-woo-woo,” if he is uncomfortable with how his practice partner is attempting a bit of slapstick. Instead, multiple witnesses say, Heinz shouted, “Oh, a f****** wise guy, eh?” and punched Oster in the face, sending him tumbling into a group of fellow Moes.

The 36 seminar participants in conference room 9-W quickly ganged up into their assigned Stooge character groups, with several of the Moes making threatening backhanded slapping gestures, and the Curlys responding by smacking and pulling down on their faces, dancing on their tiptoes and uttering high-pitched, guttural squeals. The Larrys, meanwhile, tried to make peace between the two groups, which just resulted in many of the Moes yanking their hair almost out of their roots.

Chaos broke out when one of the Moes threw a cream pie filled with quarter rolls at Curly impersonator Howard Klein, shattering his nose and left orbital. As a group of Larrys carried away the injured Klein, the Curlys, many of them making doglike “woof” cries, attacked the Moes. But witnesses say the Moes quickly routed the Curlys, employing many of the techniques they’d learned at the convention: mesmerizing the Curlys by fluttering their hands in front of their faces before smacking them; tricking the Curlys into slapping the tops of their outstretched fists, sending their arms into a windmill spin that ended with them bashing the tops of the Curlys’ heads; and ducking at precisely the right moment, inevitably resulting in one Curly punching another.

Hotel employees called police, who arrived in riot gear to break up the confrontation. But the extra armament proved largely unnecessary: Once police entered and formed a cordon around the room, the Stooges momentarily froze and then tried to escape, in different directions, sending them crashing into one another. The officers quickly cuffed the writhing mass of arms and legs and loaded them into police vans for processing.

Police spokesman Sherman Larris said most of the Stooges would be charged with assault and destruction of property. The only other possible charge — threatening a law-enforcement officer — would be against Moe group member Richard Weinman, who allegedly said, “Why I oughta …” to the policeman who was handcuffing him.

“We’ll have to talk to Mr. Weinman down at the station,” Smith said. “The key question is, he oughta what?”
- Craig Gaines

As a public service, The City Desk periodically offers up selected items culled from local police reports.

9:17 pm
200 block of Euclid Avenue: A 7-year-old girl reports to 911 that “monsters are knocking at my door.” Dispatch sends a cruiser to reassure the girl, only to find people dressed as Frankenstein and the Werewolf knocking on her door. Police interviews reveal a wrong address on a “Halloween-In-Summer party” Evite is to blame. The partiers leave and police calm the girl down.

9:26 pm
200 block of Euclid Avenue: The girl calls back, reporting more monsters. Police are sent back out to the house, and direct Freddie Kruger, 24, and Jason Voorhies, 25, to the right address, and again calm the girl.

9:45 pm
300 block of Pacific Lane: Baby with gun.

9:37 pm
200 block of Euclid Avenue: The girl calls again. A City Desk review of the 911 tape reveals the girl is hyperventilating while describing “a man with fangs and a black cape” at her front door. Police return, direct Dracula to the right address, post an officer in front of the house for the rest of the night, and take the girl into protective custody. According to the police report, she says her parents are at a Jimmy Buffet “Parrotheads” party.

10:42 pm
500 block of Karl Avenue: Police arrest Neil Levan, 32, for filing a false report after he tells a passing officer that the girl he’s with has “stolen his heart.”

2:18 am
25000 Industrial Access Drive: Massive warehouse explosion.

1:38 pm
800 block of Jarvis Street: Two men and a woman report their cars were apparently damaged by a hit and run driver in the parking lot of St. Norbert’s Church. Police are looking for a red 1974 Dodge Dart with the license plate LXI 483 in connection with the incident.

2:41 pm
Intersection of Hudson and Bergen Streets: Fire department reports theft of hydrant after routine hydrant check.

3:06 pm
2513 West Merton Drive, Oakhurst Section: Apparent murder/suicide. Five victims.

4:18 pm
2300 block of Lorimer Street: Several complainants of tires being slashed on parked vehicles.

4:26 pm
North River at Granville Street: Aviation and Harbor units respond to reports of a dog in the river. The dog was rescued by Aviation Unit officer Alex Drake and is recovering at the ASPCA.

5 pm
300 block of Peachtree Lane: City police and a representative from dispatch arrive at the home of Muriel Goshen, 87, bearing cake and balloons to celebrate her 100th 911 call since her husband, Jack, passed on three years ago. Some of Goshen’s notable calls have included a noise complaint about a birthday party for her 8-year-old neighbor, a report of “another Kraut blitz” during the annual air show, and an allegation that city employees performing routine maintenance work to gas lines were attempting to dig a tunnel into her basement to “steal all of Jack’s tools.” Goshen, confused and frightened by the group of similarly dressed people outside her home, makes her 101st emergency call, screaming at the operator, “The United Nations is trying to break down my door!”

6:13 pm
500 block of Audubon Avenue: A man reports the theft of a stop sign. The Department of Transportation was contacted and replaced the sign.

7:43 pm
3000 block of Western Avenue: Officers respond to silent alarm at Bruno Hardware. A large cat was found stuck in an air conditioning vent on the roof and rescued by ASPCA and Emergency Services Unit officers.
- Craig Gaines, Hoyt Schermerhorn, RJ White

As a public service, The City Desk periodically offers up selected items culled from local police reports.

12:08 am
Harding Park, Officers disperse a group of people loitering in the park after hours.

1:01 am
3400 block of Spring Street: A woman reports excessive noise in adjoining house. The responding officers could hear nothing.

2:17 am
300 block of Bay Street: City EMS reports a break in and vandalism to an ambulance parked at LeFleur’s Donuts while the paramedics were taking a lunch break.

2:42 am
3400 block of Spring Street: A woman reports excessive noise in adjoining house. The responding officers could hear nothing.

3:01 am
4700 block of McKinley Avenue: Officers respond to silent alarm at a Kwick Stop Market finding clerk unconscious behind counter.

3:12 am
3400 block of Spring Street: A woman reports excessive noise in adjoining house. The responding officers could hear nothing.

3:47 am
2700 block of Huron Street: Officers respond to a 911 call of a cow in the roadway.

4:37 am
3400 block of Spring Street: Officers respond to a complaint of excess noise. Beverly Fouineur, 86, arrested for wasting police time.

5:14 am
21000 block of State Road: Gerald Crass, 18, and a minor are charged with vandalism, second-degree robbery, and cruelty to animals after police find them on the property of Chicken Delicious Farm. Police say the accused stole eggs from a chicken coop, and then egged the coop.

7:14 am
Archibald Field: Homer Chamberlain, an agronomy student at Watson University, is charged with vandalism and destruction of university property. Police have been conducting a three-week sting operation on Chamberlain, who they say has been strategically spreading fertilizer around the 50-yard line at Archibald Field. Chamberlain was arrested before he could finish the alleged prank, but police say a view from the top of the stadium reveals that a fast-growing portion of turf reads “THE COUGARS SUC.”

10:26 am
1300 block of Cedar Street: Police respond to a peeping Tom complaint from adult webcam model “Cindy.” She tells officers she was in the middle of her morning shift in her “studio” when she noticed a figure standing outside her first-floor window. The perp ran from the scene when “Cindy” threw one of her stilettos at the window. An investigation is under way.

3:07 pm
Riverview Apartments: A man reports someone threw a full cup of cherry cola into the front seat of his 2003 Chrysler Sebring convertible.

5:26 pm
500 block of Fairview Avenue: Mildred Bailey, 57, is charged with vandalism. According to the police report, officers apprehend Bailey as she is spray-painting a comma onto graffiti that read “F*** you b***!” Bailey allegedly says she was painting an introductory comma after “you.”
- Craig Gaines, Hoyt Schermerhorn

A misunderstanding over the attempted coining of a new phrase has resulted in an unlikely friendship between two groups of the City’s workforce.

When Tomas Babushkin announced the opening of WorkSHOP, his new “wiki-place” where freelance information professionals can rent cubicles, collaborate on projects, and drink complimentary espresso and yerba mate, he foresaw a clientele dressed in open-collar Prada shirts and Chip & Pepper jeans. What he didn’t expect were strong, silent types in flannel shirts and Carharts.

But WorkSHOP’s unexpected diverse clientele now includes many of the migrant workers drawn to the City in hopes of finding landscaping, construction, or agricultural work. Babushkin is still trying to adapt to this mixture of open-source and open-borders, but the “rock-ribbed entrepreneur” is thrilled to have the opportunity. “I guess I brought this situation onto myself,” said the former chief interaction architect for social-networking site MishMash. “But it is what it is, and I’m committed to serving all my customers, whether they’re running from corporate careers or ICE.”

It all started during Babushkin’s media blitz to draw attention to WorkSHOP. He was looking to advertise his services but also cultivate an image of the nebulous group of writers, artists, and consultants who work for themselves. Babushkin thought “freelancer” was overused and didn’t fully capture the spirit of the people he was trying to serve.

So during an interview with Journal-Clarion, Babushkin said, “Don’t mistake [freelancers’] casual dress for a poor work ethic: These people will toil for their paychecks. I like to call them new-economy day laborers.” Babushkin was so pleased with the phrase that it became WorkSHOP’s slogan: “Home office for the new-economy day laborer.”

And that’s where the confusion began. WorkSHOP ads used the slogan, and promised free services, including free international calls, for its first week. When WorkSHOP opened for business three weeks ago, Babushkin greeted a stream of white-collar freelancers — and migrant laborers from Mexico and Central America. While the freelancers booted up their laptops, the laborers rushed to the VoIP phones and began making free calls to their families down south.

“I took a bath on those phone charges for the first week, but how could I resist?” Babushkin says. “These men hadn’t had long phone conversations with their families in weeks, months — one guy even a year — and it was so great that they could do this. More than one of them openly cried.”

The free international calls ended two weeks ago, but the migrants have become comfortable with WorkSHOP, and Babushkin has become fond of them. Just as he predicted, various collaborative efforts have arisen between the freelancers and the migrants:

• Freelance TV producer Seth Cohn is working with a group of migrants on a reality show, tentatively titled Meet the Migrants. “The biggest obstacle is obviously protecting their identities, so these guys don’t get any interference from la migra, but I’m confident we can find a solution,” Cohn says.
• Independent political pollster Maggie McBride is conducting a long-term study of the migrants’ political beliefs. “I’ve been surprised by my findings so far — they think Congress’s stimulus package is a rash quick-fix to a complex problem, they support reinstituting the draft, and they’re surprisingly libertarian. Almost all of them would have voted for Ron Paul if he weren’t such an extremist on immigration.”
• Many of the freelancers are now proud owners of beautifully hedged lawns and sturdy, pressure-treated patio decks. One is even having an addition built for a home office in place of his WorkSHOP cubicle.

Babushkin, ever the communicator, has held a series of themed discussions designed to share knowledge between the freelancers and migrants. There was an uncomfortable moment when a freelancer asked a migrant panel about differentiating himself from his competition, and laborer Hector Gamez answered, “You must work very hard.” The freelancer, assuming Gamez’s simple answer was because of a weak grasp of English, tried to elaborate on his question in a raised voice before the laborer cut him off. “No, man, I’ve been speaking English since I was 3 years old. You just have to work really hard.” A confused debate ensued for the next 20 minutes before Babushkin said everyone was just going to have to agree to disagree on that point.

While no freelancers have traded their BlackBerrys for Black & Deckers, there are signs the migrants might be rethinking their career paths. Fortunato Umaña, a 23-year-old Salvadoran, says he’s through with landscaping. “I was talking to that programmer guy with the red hair, Brian, recently in the Idea Lounge and he was talking about how it hit him one day that he was sick of working for a corporation. When he started talking about how his manager just took all the credit for his work, I went, ‘Exactly! Why am I working 13 hours a day cutting and edging and leaf blowing and getting zero credit? I need to stop breaking my back and start using my brain.’ That’s when I decided to really make a go of it and become a landscaping consultant.”

Umaña then excused himself. “I need to go talk to one of the designers about my logo.”
—Craig Gaines and Ilya Perchikovsky

The city’s latest great tech hope, Software & Co., has swiftly and suddenly left town, leaving behind an angry mob of scammed investors, jilted customers, and red-faced city officials. Its abandonment of the city’s much-touted “High-Tech High-Rise” building (formerly known as the Main Administration Building at the old Bellmet Manufacturing complex) renders Mayor Wilders’ “22nd-century incubator” devoid of tenants or much of a future.

S&Co.’s main number has been disconnected, its Web site has vanished, and the known homes of the company’s CEO and COO had for-sale signs posted in their front lawns yesterday. The company has vanished, as have its investors’ funds. [Read more →]

:: The city is home to no less than seven junior and community colleges, one of which (Sparrow Valley Community College, on Cedar Ave and S.Sparrow Valley Dr.) boasts a Zagat-rated three-star cafeteria.

:: The large outdoor clock above the main entrance of the City Hall Annex was accidentally set to Standard Time last weekend. On Monday morning approximately 12 employees and visitors were seen waiting outside the building one hour before official opening time.

:: Amount of leaves a City resident is allowed to burn per week (by volume): 7 cubic feet

:: Distance from freestanding structures (doghouses and meat-smoking lodges excepted, starting in 1989) burning City leaf piles must be: 25 feet

:: Times City Code stipulates a resident must wave arms and “clearly and directly” state “I am burning leaves” before setting leaves aflame, to notify any deaf or blind children who might be playing nearby: 5

:: Times a resident of one of the city’s six unincorporated areas must “thoroughly and purposefully” probe leaf piles with a lawn implement to ensure no children or squirrels have burrowed into the leaf piles before burning: 1

:: An elaborate new storefront window display was unveiled for the struggling Spoiled Brats restaurant, located on Smithson Place, in the Courthouse District. The animatronic diorama depicts a crying bratwurst dressed in overalls and holding a lollipop while being offered an array of toppings and dipping sauces. Owner Reggie Von Leold recently admitted, “I’m not sure that this was the best name to pick for a restaurant and figured it could use some further clarification.”

:: City Parks and Recreations Services announced yesterday that they expect to have repairs to the 1:6 scale model of the Cutty Sark in Mabel Tripp Gardens completed by next Friday. The cherrywood replica vessel has been undergoing renovation and repair over the last four years, to remove more than 1,200 profanities carved into its hull by vandals. The endeavor employed a remarkable 920 pounds of wood putty.
- David Andrews, Benjamin Birdie, Craig Gaines, Jon Morris

:: Adelmorst is the longest city street name with all the letters in alphabetical order.

:: Authorities still do not know who has been heavily tagging numerous Downtown, Central Corridor and Northside buildings with the phrase “Rock-n-Roll” over the last two months.

:: Number of barriers erected in the West Sugar neighborhood to prevent speedy “cut through” traffic: 14

:: Decrease in traffic infractions since barriers were erected last fall: 16 percent

:: Estimated damage as a result of the Sorini Refrigerated Macaroni truck driving through one of the barriers during a high-speed police chase, precipitated by a 14-month investigation into possible sales of “bad macaroni” to neighborhood children: $42,364

:: Cost to restore Stanley Hodges’ At Rainbow’s Edge (1972), a massive “elliptico Marxist” sculpture destroyed by the Sorini truck: $0 (”I will not let some macaroni shyster destroy the statement I bestowed upon West Sugar more than 30 years ago,” Hodges tells The City Desk. ” At Rainbow’s Edge will rise from the ashes on that solemn spot.”)

:: Of the 119 city residents killed or missing in action in the U.S. Civil War, all but two were fighting on the Union side.

:: 6.5 oz Coca Cola at airport vending in 1927: 5 cents
:: Construction cost for the city’s international airport (1927): $2.2 million
:: Equivalent in Cokes: 44 million bottles, or 286 billion ounces
:: 24 oz Bottled water at airport concession in 2007: $3.50
:: Scheduled airport renovation cost (2008 – 2011): 1.05 billion dollars
:: Equivalent in water: 300 million bottles, or 7.2 trillion ounces
- David Andrews, Craig Gaines, RJ White