Category — Brodie H. Brockie

Though the famous statue of General Archibald Gainsborough in Ataraxia Park is made of bronze, sculptor Jeffery Couveign chose to create the general’s sword as a separate piece, made of stainless steel, hoping the weapon would “shine in the sun, as a symbol of the illuminating potential of violence.”

Here is a listing- in chronological order- of occurrences in which the sword has been broken off, removed or stolen from the statue:

1922 - Local youths broke the sword off the statue for the first time after an older boy stole the stick they were using for a bat in a game of stick ball. They only attempted to use it for two at-bats before group leader Butchie Flatts remarked, “Aw, saucepans! This pig-sticker’s too heavy to heave!” and discarded it.

1926 – Director Mack Sennett chose to shoot a Keystone Cops short here, taking advantage of the city’s cheap labor market and loose safety regulations. One gag chase was plotted to end with the Cops’ paddy wagon colliding with the statue of Gainsborough. During rehearsal, the sword broke off and impaled one of the actors, killing him.

1940 – For reasons unknown, the sword simply fell off one August morning. A city maintenance worker was quoted in the Sun-Recorder, speculating, “maybe from a pigeon?”

1943 - Beverly Gainsborough (male), allegedly a descendent of the general, removed the sword under the impression that it was the actual weapon that had belonged to his ancestor. He believed that the sword was rightfully his inheritance and planned to sell it to earn enough money to build his own corn dog stand. “I could make money, and have all the corn dogs I want, see?” he said to the arresting officer.

1947 – Count Basie’s Brilliant Band held a free concert in the park, during which the sword fell off again. Likely the vibration from the music was the cause, though local minister Reverend Michael Armbruster opined that the spirit of General Gainsborough dropped the sword intentionally, “shocked by the sound of the devil music and the shamed by the sight of local youths engaged in the disgusting and provocative Lindy Hop.”

1951 – In response to a hoax radio show about a nuclear war with Russia broadcast by WKVD-AM deejay Wink Timbers, a riot broke out in Ataraxia Park. One rioter removed the sword and bludgeoned a homeless man with it, under the impression that he was one of the mole people Timbers mentioned as a post-strike invasion force.

1977 - The sword was broken off by pranksters and replaced with an over-sized fiberglass hamburger stolen from a local Big Boy restaurant.

1980 - The city received $5,000 from film producer George Lucas to remove the sword and replace it with a prop lightsaber for the summer as a promotion for the second Star Wars film. Similar offers were made to the historical landmark departments of other cities, though no others accepted. The lightsaber remained in place for the next thirteen months.

1997 – After playing a concert in nearby War Memorial Stadium, persons unknown associated with the band Hanson stole the sword as a souvenir of their visit. The city has yet to replace it, though General Gainsborough’s outstretched hand has not always remained empty in the intervening years.

Opportunists, promoters and pranksters have enjoyed placing various items in the general’s hand, including pennants of local sports teams, political signs, a stick with a carrot on the end (which appeared to be luring the General’s bronze steed forward), rope licorice, pom poms, ping pong paddles and, occasionally, lewd gadgetry.
- Brodie H. Brockie

Due to a clerical error, city funds earmarked for this spring’s pothole repairs were mixed up with funds intended for a potluck for City Streets Department employees to celebrate last month’s groundhog’s day.

Streets Department clerk Debbie Winton, who was in charge of the potluck, admits she was taken aback when she first saw the amount she had to spend on the annual lunch, typically held in Conference Room C in the Malcolm B. Adams Public Works Building on South Haverline.

“Usually we get about 20, 25 dollars for this kind of thing, most
people bring a dish to pass and we have a couple of grinders,” said Winton. “This year - well, let’s just say it would have afforded a much nicer affair.”

Some of the additional planned expenditures at this year’s Groundhog’s Day potluck included four six-foot-long submarine sandwiches, an ice-sculpture in the shape of City Hall, a chocolate fountain, fresh lobster flown in from the coast, individual groundhog shaped chocolates, a performance by the surviving members of the band Foghat and an appearance by Brian Doyle-Murray, who portrayed the mayor in the film Groundhog Day.

“I guess I just thought that this year they really wanted to reward us for our hard work and to maybe raise everyone’s spirits after all the crazy fluctuating weather we’ve had,” said Winton. “The temperatures going up and down like this will drive you nuts.”

Those conditions, repeated freezes and thaws, tend to create especially plentiful and deep potholes on city roads.

Before plans were finalized, however, the mistake was noticed by the city comptroller’s office and the funds were reallocated correctly. As a gesture, the Comptrollers Office allowed enough extra money in the budget to still allow for the ordering of the four hoagies.
- Brodie H. Brockie

Ferran Habash may be out of the record books for now, but he’s confident he’ll be back. Habash is the owner of Ferran’s Middle Eastern Restaurant (429 Kerchavel), until recently the world-record holder for World’s Largest Vat of Hummus.

In July of 2003, Habash and his staff prepared 3,300 gallons (15,000
liters) of hummus in an above-ground pool that the restaurant rented and
assembled in the parking lot adjacent to the restaurant. Only about 1/3 of the hummus was actually eaten by locals attending the event before the hot July sun rendered the remaining amount dangerously inedible (and decidedly malodorous).

The record lasted for nearly four years until last Saturday, when Sinbad’s
Delight of Charleston, SC prepared an enormous 7,432 gallons (13,000 liters) of hummus in a not-yet open for the season city pool during the Taste of Charleston Festival.

“The record is ours now and forever,” said Sinbad’s Delight proprietor Muntasir Al-Fulani. “And we didn’t even use cheap chick peas like those skinflints at that place up north. Only the best!”

Habash scoffs at Al-Fulani’s boasting. “You’ll see. We’ll be in the
record books again. We’ll beat that record as soon as I can decide what
to put all that hummus in. A whole bunch of cement mixers maybe? Does it
all need to be in one thing to count?

“Ah, don’t worry, I have a line on a few things,” says Habash, recovering. “We’ll get that record back here. If not, I have some interesting baba ganoush theories I’ve been kicking around.”
-B. Brockie

:: The Mid-Town Lions Club has decided to carry over their popular Friday Fish Fries, normally only held on Fridays during Lent, throughout the rest of April. “Well, we’ve got all these fish still lying around, so why not?” said president Mark Pembroke.

:: Thirty-five percent of the steel used in municipal construction since January 1, 2000 has been imported from China.

:: Total cost of cleaning up the 1999 Backstreet Boys Millennium Tour “Soccer Mom” riot: $13.4m

:: More than two thousand city residents were asked what type of robot they would most be afraid of, if robots ever invaded the city. “Man-Eating” was the most popular answer.

:: Number of pints served at The Blarney Stone on 17th during St. Patrick’s Day 1997: 3,717
::Number of pints served at The Blarney Stone on 17th during St. Patrick’s Day 2007: 7,320

:: A little bit of trivia for fans of “Ripperology:” The legendary serial killer Jack the Ripper was rumored to have a trio of cousins living in our very own city. Two of them were butchers (the third was a librarian, according to legend).

:: Number of working Donkey Kong video game units: 26
:: Number of these units at Sal’s Nickelodeon, on New Park Avenue: 18

:: Following the winter of 1986/1987, a 12-foot wide pothole at the intersection of Fourth Street and Corn Avenue made the Guinness Book of World Records. The pothole was filled in that June, though a sign was erected to commemorate the achievement.

:: The humerus bone of a Triceratops was discovered during the excavation of the new City Hall Annex in 1985. It was determined to be a bone stolen from the Dakota Dinosaur Museum in 1978.

:: In 1991, the city’s fire department was the only one in the nation to accept funds from Universal Pictures to display advertising on the sides of its fire trucks in a strange and ill-conceived marketing push for the movie Backdraft (pictured below). Perhaps even stranger was when they tried the tactic one more time the following year for the fire-less Tom Selleck vehicle Mr. Baseball.

- D. Andrews, B. Brockie, K. Church, J. Morris

:: Sister city featured on municipal signage on December 6, 1941- Mihara City, Japan

:: Sister city featured on municipal signage as of December 9, 1941- Newcastle, England

:: Hanna-Barbera animator Clark E. Pantuso reportedly modeled the design for the Super Friends’ Hall of Justice on the Pioneer Square Strip Mall, at the corner of SE. South St. and Summer Blvd. The strip mall is currently home to a martial arts academy, an adult education annex of the YMCA, and an Olive Garden.

:: Protestant churches for every Catholic church (2005)- 4.1

:: According to Industrial Planning Magazine, stop lights in the city are 22% “pinker” than the national average.

:: Uptown boasts seventeen thoroughfares named after alcoholic beverages, including Martini Blvd, Gin Street and Calle Margarita. The Central Corridor is home to storied Tom Collins Ave. Teetotallers, however, may prefer to tread the non-spiritous footpaths of Temperance Square, located in the south-western corner of Mabel Tripp Gardens.

:: Lowest city unemployment rate (1998)- 3.7

:: Highest city unemployment rate (1977)- 10.2

:: Number of Buick Roadmaster Rivieras (Two-Door models) buried as “time capsules” around the city in a promotion for a local auto dealer in 1955- 5

:: Number of these which have been subsequently found or whose locations have been accounted for- 3

:: There were no Boy Scout troops in the city from 1972-1984 thanks to the locally-founded Little Rangers paying the mob to put the muscle on any attempted organization by the former.
- D. Andrews, B. Brockie, S. Levinson, J. Morris, R. White

In 1967, Jeff Crane walked out onto North Canton Avenue and winced from his first view of sunlight in 16 years. As his eyes adjusted, he took a nervous look around and saw an unwashed, bushy-bearded, shabbily-dressed, long-haired man stumbling toward him, his eyes glazed and babbling incoherently. His worst fears were realized: civilization had ended.

He was wrong, of course, but how could Mr. Crane or any of the others know the difference between a hippie and a refugee in a post-nuclear barbarian society?
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:: Number of outdoor cafes in the Downtown & Central Corridor in 2006: 115

:: Number of outdoor cafes in the same area before the mysterious seven year mayfly “problem” ended, in 1990: 2

:: Of the thirty-five tests conducted by the City Elections Commission on new electronic voting machines delivered this week, the number failed: 30

:: Percenatage of city precincts which will be using the new machines next week: 78

:: While the city comes in twenty-third among American cities for the number of murders per capita, it comes in eighth among murders committed by people who are left-handed.

:: Number of alligators living in city’s sewer system: 14 (unofficial; by eyewitness accounts)

:: Attendance at this year’s Haunted Halloween at Mabel Tripp Gardens: 3,871

:: Record attendance at Haunted Halloween: 42,796 (1988)

:: Number of years that Haunted Halloween has been hosted at Tripp Gardens: 34

:: Winner of this year’s “Best Costume” prize: Young Obi-Wan Kenobi

:: Winner of the first “Best Costume” prize: Dirty Old Man from Laugh-In

:: Number of Canadian Pitchfork Geese in this year’s petting zoo: 50

:: Decibel level of fifty captive Canadian Pitchfork geese: 130
- R. White, B. Brockie, J. Morris