Friday Facts: Hope, Change and/or Straight Talk

fridayfacts_icn:: The voter registration deadline for the November 4 election is October 6. Once again, your mayoral candidates-
– Democratic: Joseph Wilders, current mayor
– Republican: Maribeth Cosgrove, longtime City Councilwoman
– Libertarian: Lewis Armstrong, local businessman
– Green: Louis M. Armstrong, Watson University humanities professor
– Independent: Leonard Pierce, former Fifth Ward Democratic party leader
(Mr. Pierce is also a sometime contributor to The City Desk)

:: Mayor Wilders currently has a three point lead in the polls over Councilwoman Cosgrove.

:: Of more than five hundred city residents asked in an informal poll, only three percent indicated that they would be willing to vote for a transvestite presidential candidate.

:: Number of local businesses with “Hope” in their name: 7 (Including “Hope’s Erotic Bakery,” “Never Give Up (Hope)” resale and thrift store benfiting St.Katherine’s Childrens Hospital, and “Hope Floats” movie-themed ice cream parlor)

:: Number of local businesses with “Change” in their name: 43 (mostly car service stations ending with “-Change,” but also including “Loose Change” used clothing store and “Change-a-lot” diaper laundry service)

:: Number of local businesses with “Straight Talk” in their name: 0 (Although Community Radio 790 AM has a 15-minute niche news broadcast three times daily, entitled “Straight Talk: Bulletins from the Oppressed Heterosexual Minority”)

:: The City has joined with several others across the country in passing an ordinance to cease using bottled water at all official city meetings and events, in favor of tap water.

:: Selected words used to describe the City’s tap water in an independent study issued late last year: “Crisp,” “OKAY,” “Adequately free from bacterial infection”

:: Most desirable “mouth-feel” for modern candy, according to a fact-sheet provided by local confectionary manufacturer “Nature’s Harvest,” in descending order: Crispy, crunchy, smooth, creamy. The “least desirable” from the same list include: Wet, grimy, bristly, sad

:: Asked which video game characters they believe would make a good president, most of the 800 city residents polled responded either “Mario” or “Master Chief.”

:: On this day in 1971: 30,000 textbooks intended for seventh- and eighth-grade American History classes were recalled owing to one editor’s attempt to lighten the grim mood of a chapter on the Battle of Gettysburg by titling it “Civil War? More like an Uncivil War, If You Ask Me.”

:: A spokesperson strenuously (nervously?) assured the City’s media outlets that local Washington Mutual branches will be open for business today.
- Jon Morris, RJ White

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